You're walking through a department store, innocently looking for a wide-screen TV or maybe some new underwear for you're shorty, when you take a wrong turn and find yourself in the cosmetics department. There must be a way out, you think, but the counters seem to stretch on for miles, beautiful women are spread around in clinical white uniforms, their sales patter almost irresistible. You start to panic when you can't find the escalator. Then you see her. She steps from the shadows, tester strips in one hand and something cocked and loaded in the other. She takes aim.

"Eau d'Hombre Toilette?" she says, and before you can answer and make a mad dash for the electronics department, ppfftt: you smell.

The truth is, even without the fragrance mafia, most of us would rather shop for a sturdy pocket knife and a new remote control than cologne. We usually leave it up to our significant others to decide what we will smell like. But if you're going to wear aftershave or cologne - there are a couple of big reasons why you should buy it yourself.

First, because of the particular way the stuff interacts with your body chemistry, a given fragrance will smell different on you than it does on anyone else. So you ought to sample it before buying.

Second, leave the decision to your wifey and the only way she's going to know what aftershave to buy is if she smelled it on another man, like maybe that former model, with the perfect set of teeth who sits across the desk from her at work. Is that who you want her to keep remembering every time you wear the perfume. Didn't think so.

If you're thinking of buying a fragrance, November is the best time to do so. In the holiday season, manufacturers usually put together gift packages, throwing in luggages or other grooming products cheap. You can often negotiate at the department store and get those packages altered to suit your personal wishes. Another reason to buy then is: Most manufacturers raise their prices in January. Best time of day? The afternoon. Your sense of smell is keener then than in the morning.

When it comes to negotiating the fragrance counters, don't be put off by all that fancy French jargon. Though some manufacturers call their fragrance cologne and others call it eau de toilette, these are essentially the same thing. If you do see both a cologne and an eau de toilette from the same company, the difference is in the degree of concentration. The scent of the most concentrated one will last longer. How do you know the difference? Go by price.

The more expensive one will carry you further into the day. A step lower down the scale are aftershaves, which are formulated to last only a brief time. They generally give you just a quick whiff of fragrance and also have an astringent effect on your face, making it feel cleaner. An aftershave's scent will disappear about midway through the morning commute but if you use cologne and an aftershave make sure they're the same brand. To know what you're talking about as you flirt with the woman behind the fragrance counter, you'll need to know the different elements that go into men's fragrances. Experts divide them into five subsets.

SPORTIVE FRAGRANCES are based on citrus, from the oils of limes, lemons and oranges; and spices, such as bay, cinnamon, and nutmeg. They tend to carry a lighter scent and are good choices for wearing around the office.

POETIC SCENTS contain lavender oil. Don't panic; lavender was the chosen fragrance of cowboys, who bathed in it after cattle drives, so it's got a plenty manly pedigree. Good for day use.

RELAXED SCENTS bear a leathery aroma created from the resin of birch and other trees. To wear in the evening.

SOPHISTICATED FRAGRANCES take their essences from woody scents like cedar and the sandalwood, and forest fragrances like moss. For a night out at your local restaurant.

EROTIC COLOGNES tend to be the most flowery, since they are generally a

blend of exotic flowers and herbs. I don't have to spell it out what we use these joints for.

When you try out a cologne, give it time to dry on your skin before you shell out any money. A connoisseur will search for three distinct levels of aroma from each cologne. The top note is what you smell when you first open the bottle. It should tell you immediately what category fragrance you're dealing with, so if you're trying something to wear raving and the bottle you picked up smells like lavender don't even go there. If you like the first whiff, however, put a drop or two on your skin and test the body (or middle note) of the fragrance, which is what it smells like as it dries over the next minute or two. Once the agile is completely dry, smell it again. This smell is the combination of all, notes, which is what the cologne is going to leave you smelling like for next three to four hours. If this all sounds complex, it's supposed to be. Think of it as on a par with tasting a fine wine: There's a bit more subtlety in a good department store fragrance than in the Old Spice stuff you used to pick up at cheap local chemist.

Okay, so you successfully negotiated the hazards of the fragrance counter. You got the stuff home. Here are some things to remember so you get your money's worth from it.

• Cologne can dry your skin, so keep off your face and any areas that tend to be dry. Fragrance rises, so apply it low, but keep it away from your privates - it stings homie.
• Less is more, especially if you have oily skin, which tends to hold the scent longer.
• Don't mix cologne with scented deodorants or soaps, unless they come from the same brand line. Too many scents certainly spoil the stew.
• To preserve its intensity, keep it tightly sealed and store it away from heat and light. That means if you like hot showers, keep it out of the bathroom. Any fragrance will lose much of its power after about a year, no matter where you store it, so no splashing on that bottle of Old Spice you bought in 1972.

A final safety note: The alcohol content of cologne makes it highly flammable, so be careful with it.